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Yelp Noir

Tragically useless Yelp reviews

It’s Restaurant Week.

Hold all our calls.

"I can’t feel my face."

"Because I’m so happy at what I’m eating and the environment I’m in."


Queens Comfort, Astoria

"Server 1 filled water glasses on wrong side (water glass above knife). Then coffee on right side."


"This sounds nitpicky, but ive had situations occur where several diners get confused over which glass is theirs. This time i had a small confusion with my mother in law over this."

The Astor Room, Astoria

"Ok disclaimer: I’ve never eaten here."


Enid’s, Greenpoint, Brooklyn

"Wake up people. You don’t get it. You do not understand. You will never understand."


The Quays, Astoria, Queens

"turning around and grabbing a pair of beers from a fridge hardly deserves a tip in my opinion, i coulda reached over and grabbed em myself."

The Woods, Williamsburg, Brooklyn

"Watch your mouth for that skate fish sandwich they serve, the bread or baguette or whatever they serve it on is so huge and so crusty it is [a] hazard for your mouth. I am done with this place!"


Snowdonia, Astoria

"I hate when tourists step on my feet. I hate when tourists stop in front of [me] to take a picture."


Times Square, NYC

"I give it one star because I didn’t get sick or anything from going here."


L.I.C. Bar, Queens

"The birthday girl had another restaurant in mind but to our dismay the other restaurant had a 45 min wait for only three people??!!"


Sweet Chick, Williamsburg

"Don’t shove people… let the short girl stand in front of you."


Bowery Ballroom, NYC

via bunnyhepburn

"I never confuse business with sentiment. Unless it’s extremely profitable, of course."
- Clifton Webb, The Dark Corner (1946)

"I came right from work with heavy coat and bag in tow. We found a creative place to put our stuff upstairs and of course, proceeded to have a great time. Unfortunately, at the end of the night I left my bag there."


Piano’s, NYC